A few months ago, I reconnected with a former colleague via Zoom. We were set to discuss a nonprofit project he supported, but before diving into our agenda, he shared an unexpected revelation: he had been following my efforts for the past decade, and my work had recently inspired him to change careers and relocate across the country. Wait… what?!
After that call, we met again and I learned his story.
Tom (as I’ll call him) had been thriving professionally in a large consulting firm, where he was on the cusp of a promotion. Yet, despite his success, he often felt anxious and unfulfilled, sensing that this was not the life he wanted.
Revelations from an Examination of Daily Conversations
As part of his efforts to support a nonprofit focused on the wellbeing of older adults, Tom evaluated Atlas of Care’s Mapping Ourselves tools, particularly the Conversations tool. This process involves meticulously logging one’s conversations, noting characteristics such as participants, topics, and the emotional aftermath. Tom documented his dialogues over several days, creating a map of these interactions.
An example from such a Conversations map is shown above. Each rectangle represents a unique conversation, whether a brief hallway chat or a lengthy meeting. The predominant color indicates how he felt afterward: yellow for energized, blue for drained, and white for neutral. The small color swatches at the right side of each rectangle represent conversation topics—such as red for work, light blue for personal life, and dark blue for current events. Symbols denote other characteristics.
Examining maps covering several days, Tom observed two striking patterns. First, there was a glaring absence of personal conversations. Second, a pervasive blue hue signified that most interactions left him feeling drained.
Recognizing Systemic Hurdles to Friendship
Tom had always known he was busy, a fact evident from his packed calendar. But seeing the lack of personal connection and positive, energizing conversations in a tangible way was a revelation. He saw no clear path to change his situation amidst the relentless demands of client acquisition and satisfaction. As he looked around, his concern only deepened as such joylessness seemed pervasive among his peers and supervisors. Ironically, they sought his advice on achieving work-life balance, viewing him as the calm one.
Reflecting on the transient nature of his work relationships, Tom recognized a deeper issue. The constant reshuffling of teams every 10-12 weeks, the norm in his industry, left little room for meaningful connections. There were few opportunities to forge deep friendships at work.
Dramatic Changes to Find Happiness
Realizing he needed a dramatic change, Tom identified his priorities. He desired stability and long-term collaboration with colleagues he could know and possibly befriend. He sought a “good” group of coworkers, valuing human relationships and a satisfying daily life over working on “cool” projects or trendy products. The importance of family, community, and church became paramount.
Within a year, Tom moved across the country to be closer to his family and secured a position with a healthcare company focused on improving patient experiences. Today, he is much happier.
First You Have to See
Tom’s experience represents a fundamental truth: you first have to become aware of a problem, and have a sense of what is wrong, before you can proactively make improvements. If you remain blind, if you choose not to look, you’re very unlikely to either improve unsatisfactory aspects of your life or fully appreciate and celebrate what is good.
Image: detail from a Conversations map.
